Mattering Matters

One of my go-to parenting podcasts is “Ask Lisa” with Dr. Lisa Damour, the author of “Untangled”, “Under Pressure”,  and “The Emotional Lives of Teenagers”.  She recently interviewed Jennifer Breheny Wallace, the author of “Never Enough: When Achievement Culture Becomes Toxic - and What We Can Do About It”. The podcast episode and the book focus on the importance of “mattering” in reducing childhood and teenage stress and anxiety.  

What is mattering? It’s a term and field of psychological study that focuses on how to create and value meaningful relationships based on the idea that we each need to matter to each other. Mattering is the feeling that we are valued and that we add value to others. It’s a perspective that includes gratitude, service, and seeing the individual as a whole human being. The book includes recommendations that are strongly aligned with the Waldorf approach to education, where the practices of supporting the whole child create many meaningful opportunities for mattering.  In addition to feeling valued at home, Wallace discusses the importance of mattering at school, which can create a sense of interdependence and community. 

At Cedarwood, we talk about reverence and support for the developing child. At an individual level, it means that teachers find a way to show students that they individually matter and that their actions matter to others.  Wallace summarizes some of the important factors in feeling like someone matters, which include being noticed by others, being depended upon by others, being missed when absent, and being seen as a unique individual and special for being their true self.  When students feel like they are truly known and are able to pursue subjects or topics that truly interest them, they are more likely able to fulfill their own potential. In this way, achievement is balanced with a strong self of self and identity. 

All Cedarwood students have opportunities to engage in classroom chores and tasks that create a sense of value in their actions, stewardship towards the school, and warmth towards each other. This helps demonstrate that student actions matter and contribute to something larger than themselves. Classroom chores help communicate to our students that their contribution has an impact and increases a student's sense of value.  Chores at home help balance a student's self-focus, self-sufficiency, and work ethic by reminding them that they are part of a community that relies on them.  Their efforts matter at home as well as at school.  The good news is that it’s never too late to start or change chore expectations for children and teens with an eye to developing their feeling of mattering.   

Cedarwood also creates opportunities to demonstrate how students matter to each other. Older grades students are partnered with younger grades students in the buddy system, which allows older students to feel valued in the friendship and mentorship that they are able to provide younger students and younger students to feel recognized by the older students they look up to. Students thrive when they’re adding value to others because it makes them feel valuable themselves. 

Waldorf education is still considered a counterculture approach to the traditional education system, where narrow definitions of academic achievement are prioritized. Wallace describes conditions and cultures that create stress and anxiety for students at all ages. Studies are clear that while parents say that they want their children to be happy, successful, have a sense of purpose, and to be a compassionate member of society, often our own actions and words counter what we identify as our values. It is very easy to get caught up in an (over) achievement culture that creates a false sense of scarcity and stresses high performance over balance. While a Waldorf education is not a cure-all or an inoculation against teen or adult stress, high levels of mattering can act as a buffer against stress, anxiety, depression, and loneliness.  Wallace notes that mattering is not mutually exclusive from high performance; when someone feels that they matter, they are more likely to participate and be engaged in positive and healthy ways.  

Wallace’s book closes with resources and suggestions for families and educators, some of which are discussed in the podcast. She identifies one of the most important things that we can do as adults to support our children and students and that is to engage in our own care and community building practices. As we approach Winter Break, please remind yourself as parents, families, and community members to reach out to close friends for support and recognize your own needs. Creating balance for playtime, downtime, and family time applies to us as adults as well. 

In hope and rejuvenation,
Amber Clayton
Interim Chief Administrative Officer